Archive for January, 2014


Playing With Myself

Today I ordered a new external hard drive.  I’d been pining over this for months now after my current hard drive started to overheat whenever I ran too much info on it.  This sucks because there are lots of games I have that I’d really like to play, but I can’t because it will overheat and shut itself off to prevent data loss.  You can imagine how this can create many months of a depressed me, someone I really don’t like, and with my current economic situation making such costly purchases difficult the last thing I need is to continue the trend.  Then I heard Wil Wheaton during an interview he did with Cenk Uygur about how much he loves to play games and how happy playing games makes him.

 

REALIZATION

 

What would I be without games?  Hells, I’m aspiring to be a game designer!  While playing games is fun, making them would be the height of my life.  For me, it’d be the ultimate in what storytelling can really do.  The ability to play as a character in a story is sought after by many.  Be it Marcus Fenix, Lara Croft, or Kirby, people seem to relish in sharing the shoes of the tragic hero.  And by that, I don’t mean the literal Tragic Hero, but rather the hero that has to fight through hardship to save the day.  What it would be like to be able to write that story for others to experience…

 

At the moment of writing this, I’m am at a friend’s fiance’s 30th birthday party.  I am currently 33 years old, and I still don’t feel old.  Is that a thing?

The previous generation benchmarked in their 30’s and the generation after me dreads this number.  My 30th?  Came and went, no second thoughts.  No benchmarks, no “woulda, coulda, shoulda,” no looking back or forth…it was, “Okay, I’m 30.  Here’s to another year, I guess.”

I don’t reflect on my life because of who I am now.  Sure, I hate myself but if I could be someone else I wouldn’t.  But that’s just an aside…

Where was I?  Oh yeah, 30.

What is it about this age that just screams, “OMG, I’m old! roflmao…”  I’ve always been of the mind that every year older is an accomplishment.  There’s no reason to dread age because no one gets younger outside of their mind. 

So the next time you shy about your age, don’t lie…OWN THAT SHIT!

Where to go from here…

When I first started this…thing…it was under the pretense of doing something better than something else.

Okay, back story required here…  My brother was watching the now redundant Attack of the Show and saw a review that he thought I could do better.  Why he thought this is beyond me.  But despite his reasons, he felt the need to contact me and inform me of this.  At first I thought he’d gone mental, but then I realized something that hadn’t crossed my mind before.  Why don’t I have a “blog” of my own?  So I decided to just start one and then pined for months as to what I was going to “blog” about.

A quick thing before I continue.  See, I’ve never liked the term “blog”, it sounds like a sound effect for something gross.  I realize that it’s a combination of the words ‘web’ and ‘log’ and that the internet likes to just make things sound sillier than they actually are (How can ANYONE take a name like Google seriously were it not already a multi-million dollar corporation?), which is one of the reasons I found the idea of “blogging” to be a little less than serious, especially with social media already giving people the proper space for such.

Anyway, back on track.

So, after pining on this for a good while (no idea how long exactly), the title Paws for a Second came to mind.  And from there, everything else just clicked into place.

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And now here I sit, with an outlet to help channel the things that piss me the fuck off!  Just one problem: Why haven’t I been doing just that?  Admittedly, it’s a question I never really asked myself until now and quite frankly, it’s a perfectly legitimate question to ask.  One that needs answering.  You know, the whole thing of What is a writer that doesn’t write?  I mean, it’ not like I haven’t been pissed off at things since I started this, so what’s with the dust?  The Scientific Method generally begins with asking a question, so logically the next step would be to research.

Well, fuck all that noise.  My life requires change and part of it is happening here, god damnit!

If I’m going to have an outlet for my thoughts and whatnot, might as well allow this for more than just the things that piss me off and actually use this thing towards something worthwhile.  So, from this point on if I’m going to Paws for a Second, I’m going to do so for anything that’s blocking my mind’s eye from seeing what’s right in front of me.  

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You see, over the years of my existence I’ve been setting goals for myself that would lead me towards a more comfortable life for myself.  Problem is I let too much get in the way of that and as a person who, at the very least makes an effort to take responsibility, I end up kicking myself in the teeth and nailing the word FAILURE to my soul.  In the words of Alex Fucking Vance, “The writer rinses and repeats.”  It’s the depression in me, and I’m not just saying that the same way people say “Oh, my ADD must be acting up again…”  I was diagnosed with depression back when I  was 19.  And to be honest, being 33 and still letting it get the better of me…there is no fucking excuse for that at all, full stop!

When my veins burn I move, which is not a bad thing in and of itself.  But what I do when my veins burn…that’s where the problem lies.  Just as one shouts in their car when they’re windows are closed and they’re driving down the highway well above the speed limit, what I do to alleviate my affliction is only a temporary solution.  Hmm, maybe a better analogy…

To say that the wall is red answers the question of What color is the wall?; but only to a certain degree, as there are varying shades of red. Shouting when I’m alone only eases the tension, like opening the floodgates an inch or so.  But while an inch of an opening will still grant flow, it won’t stop the backup from continuing the gather.  I know how to fully open the floodgates and yet I just don’t.  Why is that?  My best guess, because the very solution I seek is most likely what caused the backup to begin with…

I seem to pride myself on the idea of ‘no limitations’, so when  actually make something designed for one thing…it seems to just go against that very thing i’m priding myself n.  No more, I declare from my electronic soapbox.  The simplest solutions are NOT always the best, and if I don”t put the work into opening the aforementioned floodgates, the flow will not flow and I’ll just keep cycling the tired old circle I keep moving in.  

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When cars have mechanical problems, what’s damaged is fixed…and if it can’t be fixed, it’s replaced with a working version of itself.  So, too, must this little space of the internet be fixed, and the limiters have got to go!  This is a brand new soapbox from this point forward, new reasons take time out to Paws for a Second.

 

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